Note: Again I changed the name for the purpose of this exercise.
It was in the middle of winter and the sun setting, as several of us hung out on the front steps of the High School. Chelsey, (who used to employ an “i” instead of an “ey”), and I were waiting to audition for the school’s production of the musical “Grease”. I had seen her around and undoubtedly she had seen me; but this was the first official time that we met. Her hair was mostly black, with some bright green and yellow streaks towards the front. Since we met (almost nine years ago), she has had the same hair style, which she has perfected over the years. She would keep all of her hair pin straight and tease the hell back of it, as if she were in an 80’s hair metal band. Whenever we would drive around in her Toyota Camery, you could hear the “clink clink” sound from her bottles of hair spray, rolling around on the floor of the car, bashing together.
I recall that she and I were not wearing jackets, which would have only covered up our outfits; and with all of the time and effort it took us to get ready, that was the absolute last thing we would want to do. Back then, we used our clothes as a way of self expression. After that day I would spend hours upon hours of my life, waiting for Chels to get ready. We had a similar taste of fashion: everyday-wear meets scissors and safety pins; but she took it to the next level. Anyone can go out and buy spike studded belts, bracelets, ect.; but what I didn’t know, before I met her that fateful day, was that she made all of her own things. From the multicolored tulle tu tu skirt, down to her hand painted Doc Martens. She took it to the next level.
Of course, if you know anything about vocal performance, it is that preparation is essential. The last thing you would want to do before an audition is smoke, drink soda and stand out in the cold. Even though she was doing all three of those things, especially heavy on the smoking part, she made it into the second round of auditions. Chelsey had one of the most soulful voices I had ever had the pleasure of hearing. Her pitch was perfect and her range was vast. You would never think such an angelic noise could come out of such a tough lookin’ punk. I was grouped in with the second class of performers, in the chorus, which I thought I was too good for. So I skipped out on the whole play thing but I met my partner in crime in the process.
This has a lot going for it--that first-meeting scene is excellent and, reading between the lines, we get a nice from-the-outside portrait of a certain type of hs student (and I mean both of you!)
ReplyDeleteMy complaint here is the same as in the Wonder Woman piece. Just at the jumping off point, the place where you ought to deliver, you simply stop, as if nine years and 'partner in crime' were less important than her hair style and handpainted Docs.
I asked you to finish the WW piece, but now I'm thinking this is the important one, the one to concentrate on in a rewrite. But I don't want two rewrites unless you want to do two--both pieces are pretty good, esp this one, and it's bad practice to beat on a student who's doing good work.
But one or the other should be rewritten--which one is now officially up to you.