Music has always been at the epicenter of my life. My family consists of musicians and music lovers, which naturally rubbed off on me. I’ve played several instruments throughout my life and you can rarely find me without my headphones in.
Listening to music is not only clinically proven to be therapeutic but it is a way that all humans can connect. Every culture has its own style of music, each distinct and unique; and I love trying all that the world has to offer. In college I learned that literature can be defined as “insight to the human condition” and I think music could share that description.
I am passionate about learning how to make music as well. I’ve been singing since I was in diapers, traveled with a choir in middle school and high school, and am teaching myself how to play guitar currently. Figuring out how to play anything can be very tough, but the more practice you get the better you play. It can be very rewarding when you perform in front of people for the first time, if all goes well.
So, try this in a rewrite: instead of telling us what you'd like to talk about, imagine that you have a minute or two with a paying audience and you are actually going to give them a speech about music. What would you say? You'd tell them about your family, of course--but you don't quite do that here. YOu tell us that you would tell them about your family, which is a step removed and not quite the same thing.
ReplyDeleteLook at grafs 2 & 3--you tease with the blind pianist and the dad quizzing on metal groups but don't quite pull the trigger in the writing.
This is the rewrite I did for this portion. I just edited the content but kept the title the same for the sake of the course. I hope that's okay.
ReplyDeleteIf I told you that one sentence in your rewrite had a bit of snap and juice for the reader, which sentence would you guess I meant?
ReplyDeleteAfter reading it over again, trying to find a line, I came up with this one "Every culture has its own style of music, each distinct and unique; and I love trying all that the world has to offer".
ReplyDeleteHow about: " I’ve been singing since I was in diapers, traveled with a choir in middle school and high school, and am teaching myself how to play guitar currently. "
ReplyDelete